Random Rants, Raves And Other Things.

I am now less than 10 posts from #100! And I am hooked! So, what do you guys think would be a good one? I was thinking about going completely off character for this blog and posting a picture of me. Maybe. Depends on if I can pull the theme together. Lemme know what you think.

I now know that Hip Hop has ruined a generation. I may take some heat for saying this but… I don’t understand the purpose of wearing clothes while trying to look like you aren’t wearing them (saggin’). I do not undatstan why sistas fell into the whole low-rise jeans trap when they know good and well them things only work out if you have no ass. How the hell did 20 inch rims on a 20 year old car become the new fashion in automobile couture. Why dudes spend $500 on a car to get them somewhere and $1000 on sounds so everyone else can hear them arrive? And why do they get mad when they need a damn jump every other day? Or why get mad when the jalopy with the concert sounds decides not to leave the space it is parked in? Where the concept of something being “young” cropped up. In my day “young” was the way clothes were supposed to fit! Exactly when did the girls become the sexual predators and the boy become the prey? And when did cussin’ down the entire block become an accepted practice for a 10 year old? Or for that matter dissin’ adults with regularity? How is it that the biggest recording artists are the ones that glorify gangs or drugs or misogyny or crime or excessively wasteful spending?

Damn! I done got sleepy. Now I don’t remember the rest of what I was gonna say… Ah well. I will come back to me and you will be the first to know about it.

My Eyes!!! What The Fugg?

Anybody who knows me in blogland also know that I will put a sista on blast quick as hell for claiming that most/all black men are gay or downlow. And I done had to blast some of my favorites too. Because such an attitude offends me since I am black, male and don’t want anything to do with anybody else’s dick!

That said…

What the damnfukkinhail is wrong with these dudes born roughly after I graduated from high school? That is 1985, or the stone age, for those uninitiated… I am riding in the car with the wife on yestereve. I see a group of young cats strolling their dumb asses in front of us. On the sidewalk, in the street, on folks grass. Completely ignoring the fact that even a little import car will make roadkill out of all but the biggest of nukkas. Eh-knee-way! I notice the stupidest of them all in the group. Or should I say the gayest? This tired rudy-poo ass muhfugga had the unmitigated gall to be walking down the damn street using his damn HAND for a belt! And not a good one at that! This sorry sumbitch had on some blue silky draws! I know this because his ENTIRE ass was OVER his pants. What I mean by ENTIRE ass is the same thing that Della Reese meant in Harlem Nights. The whole gotdayum thing! AND he had the nerve to have his wifebeater bunched up on TOP of his damn ass! WHAT. THA. FUCK. !?!?!?!?!?

I wonder if he or any of these other damn fools know how fruity that shit looks? I would expect that shit from say my dear departed Uncle (Aunt) Lynn (the most flamboyant muhfugga I EVA met). But from these little wanna be hoodlums who talk more shit than a cow farm and think they are harder than a safe door? Come on! Who the hell didn’t give them the memo? Back when I was their age it was embarrassing for anyone to even know what color your draws were! You got mad if they even guessed “white” (95% chance) and got that shit right! Where is the self-respect?

I am pisstt. Now I am gonna have daymares about exposed Smurf ass and shit! To steal from one of my blog family. Hey dumb Smurf ass boy, go kill yaself!

…On A New Biker’s Ass!

::: Book warning ahead! Beware! :::

Yes that is right people! I am now officially skilled enough to go and get my cycle endorsement!!!! Man that was one trying experience! I never thought something would be so stressful and so much fun at the same time! BUT I made it!

Yesterday’s blow by blow. I took it easy most of the day. The weather decided to make everyone sick to their stomachs. There were thunderstorms like we haven’t seen in a year or two. Got so dark I had to turn lights on at 2 p.m. to see indoors. And it rained. And my wife called me in full stress mode.
Her: “If it is raining like this later they can just give me an “F” and hand me my waiver for the next class. I’m not riding in THAT!”
Me: “Woman CALM DOWN! We don’t ride for three hours! This type of rain don’t ever last for long! Besides we can ride REALLY slow in necessary!”
Her: “No Way! I ain’t doing it!”
Me: “Three hours. You studied yet?”
Her: “Not really”
Me: “No matter. It will take about 15 minutes. And you know this stuff already anyway. Just relax. Besides if we screw it up, we get six more hours or riding time on somebody else’s bike for free”
Her: “Yeah… I guess you are right”

Of course she called again when it stopped and started back up. And she called me to let me know there was a practice test online. Of course I was getting ready to leave at the time. But I did it anyway, breezed through the 48 questions in five minutes. I bounced!

Come test time, not only had the rain stopped but most of the course was dry by the time we arrived. We all felt good about that! The wife had trouble finding a good bike and ended up on the one she started the class riding. Her archenemy! I selected a model with a front brake so tight that I could have stopped a semi truck with it. Needless to say the test was gonna be “fun”.

First test: The cone weave and U-turn. Not the good wide spaced one where you have some speed and is actually fun. But the close spaces one where you gotta go slow as hell. I ran over cone 4. Three point deduction. U-turn started good. Ground seemed to get close. Accelerate. Break. LINE! Whew! Dammit!!! Well I stayed in the box on the U-turn anyway.

Second test: Stop in a box. This test was really no problem for me. At least not for my skills. My bike however had a different idea on the matter. Remember the brake on this thing could stop a semi. So stopping the five or six hundred odd pounds of me and bike posed almost no problem. So I get the bike going. Estimate the proper distance to begin my stop. I apply the brakes. The front of the bike dived down like a mole digging a hole. So I let off and applied it again. Same thing. On the third application I got both brakes in on the act and stopped the damn bike dead in the middle of the box. Whew! But my stop must have looked like I was “hittin’ switches” on the bike because I was starting to think the damn thing had hydraulics!

Third test: Shifting. Basically. Start. Shift to second. Shift back to first before cones. Make a tight 90 degree turn. My version as Start. Shift to second. Shift to second again. Shift to first RIGHT AWAY. Make a SWEET left turn!

Fourth test: Curve. Basically a left curve at a decent speed in a five foot wide lane. I started to go. My bike cut off. My instructor yelled “start it in first! You are in second gear.” How embarrassing! I guess I didn’t shift back to first from the last drill! Fortunately they didn’t notice that part! Anyway, now I am pissed. I started half way through the approach area. With my “fuck it” attitude fully in place, I gunned the throttle and leaned too much. Just barely stayed in the lane. I touched the inside line just a bit. Not enough to lose points though…

By this time I am pissed.

Fifth test: Hard breaking in a straight line. This one was not problem for me. I got used to the hyper front brake and would take advantage of it’s overzealous desire to do it’s job. Start. Get to a decent speed. Wait for hand signal. Stop! In even less time than I imagined it would! I didn’t hate the bike on that one!

Sixth test: Normal breaking in a curve. This test was the same as above but there was a curve involved and a five foot lane. So. Start. Get to a decent speed. Lean into the curve. Hand signal. Brake! Managed to keep the bike in the lane, as the exercise required. My foot however had a different idea. But my foot didn’t have to stay in the lines.

After we all parked and got off of the bikes we discussed who had the most fuck-ups on the course. You never saw such a crunchy group of folks where it didn’t involve bad restaurant service. Then the instructors passed out the scoring sheets! One dude who I just knew did better than me exclaimed “One point! I just made it!”. That got me scared since the dude WITH prior experience JUST slid by. I got mine and looked at the paper (upside down) and saw a score. I said to myself “Okay, that was one drill worth of deductions, where is the final score?” Turns out that WAS the score! I got a damn 4 y’all!!!! The scoring was from lowest to highest. 12 being the highest score you could get without failing. Three points for the cone and one for starting off in the wrong damn gear. I ain’t sure but I think I got the best score in the group! The wife who just KNEW she made more errors than everyone else got a 9! And she didn’t even wanna ride until we got on the bikes the first day!

It was enough to make a muhfugga with no rhythm dance a damn jig! And I did! Twice! Just as we started to leave the course for the written test and the classroom, the rain started to come down. We got lucky! The second group lost three members because they dropped their bikes on the test. That is automatic failure. Not really fair but they said we ride rain or shine. I feel for them, but they get six more hours to practice on somebody else’s bike for free.

The knowledge (written) test was no big thing. Fifty questions. Multiple guess in stupid-kinda-correct format. So basically it was a common sense test that most people could pass without having read the book too hard. I got 50 outta 50 in spite of the distraction. The wife 49 outta 50. She had a momentary brain fart and for some reason picked the kinda answer. The distraction you ask? The table kept squeaking while we were coloring in our answers. So it sounded like me and the wife were hittin’ it in the back of the classroom. It took everything in me to keep from busting out in laughter in the (mostly) quiet room!

Hmmm… My cousin just got on with/started a chapter of the Rough Riders in the area. Hmmmmmmm….

Now to acquire a bike!!!

…On A New Biker’s Ass!

::: Book warning ahead! Beware! :::

Yes that is right people! I am now officially skilled enough to go and get my cycle endorsement!!!! Man that was one trying experience! I never thought something would be so stressful and so much fun at the same time! BUT I made it!

Yesterday’s blow by blow. I took it easy most of the day. The weather decided to make everyone sick to their stomachs. There were thunderstorms like we haven’t seen in a year or two. Got so dark I had to turn lights on at 2 p.m. to see indoors. And it rained. And my wife called me in full stress mode.
Her: “If it is raining like this later they can just give me an “F” and hand me my waiver for the next class. I’m not riding in THAT!”
Me: “Woman CALM DOWN! We don’t ride for three hours! This type of rain don’t ever last for long! Besides we can ride REALLY slow in necessary!”
Her: “No Way! I ain’t doing it!”
Me: “Three hours. You studied yet?”
Her: “Not really”
Me: “No matter. It will take about 15 minutes. And you know this stuff already anyway. Just relax. Besides if we screw it up, we get six more hours or riding time on somebody else’s bike for free”
Her: “Yeah… I guess you are right”

Of course she called again when it stopped and started back up. And she called me to let me know there was a practice test online. Of course I was getting ready to leave at the time. But I did it anyway, breezed through the 48 questions in five minutes. I bounced!

Come test time, not only had the rain stopped but most of the course was dry by the time we arrived. We all felt good about that! The wife had trouble finding a good bike and ended up on the one she started the class riding. Her archenemy! I selected a model with a front brake so tight that I could have stopped a semi truck with it. Needless to say the test was gonna be “fun”.

First test: The cone weave and U-turn. Not the good wide spaced one where you have some speed and is actually fun. But the close spaces one where you gotta go slow as hell. I ran over cone 4. Three point deduction. U-turn started good. Ground seemed to get close. Accelerate. Break. LINE! Whew! Dammit!!! Well I stayed in the box on the U-turn anyway.

Second test: Stop in a box. This test was really no problem for me. At least not for my skills. My bike however had a different idea on the matter. Remember the brake on this thing could stop a semi. So stopping the five or six hundred odd pounds of me and bike posed almost no problem. So I get the bike going. Estimate the proper distance to begin my stop. I apply the brakes. The front of the bike dived down like a mole digging a hole. So I let off and applied it again. Same thing. On the third application I got both brakes in on the act and stopped the damn bike dead in the middle of the box. Whew! But my stop must have looked like I was “hittin’ switches” on the bike because I was starting to think the damn thing had hydraulics!

Third test: Shifting. Basically. Start. Shift to second. Shift back to first before cones. Make a tight 90 degree turn. My version as Start. Shift to second. Shift to second again. Shift to first RIGHT AWAY. Make a SWEET left turn!

Fourth test: Curve. Basically a left curve at a decent speed in a five foot wide lane. I started to go. My bike cut off. My instructor yelled “start it in first! You are in second gear.” How embarrassing! I guess I didn’t shift back to first from the last drill! Fortunately they didn’t notice that part! Anyway, now I am pissed. I started half way through the approach area. With my “fuck it” attitude fully in place, I gunned the throttle and leaned too much. Just barely stayed in the lane. I touched the inside line just a bit. Not enough to lose points though…

By this time I am pissed.

Fifth test: Hard breaking in a straight line. This one was not problem for me. I got used to the hyper front brake and would take advantage of it’s overzealous desire to do it’s job. Start. Get to a decent speed. Wait for hand signal. Stop! In even less time than I imagined it would! I didn’t hate the bike on that one!

Sixth test: Normal breaking in a curve. This test was the same as above but there was a curve involved and a five foot lane. So. Start. Get to a decent speed. Lean into the curve. Hand signal. Brake! Managed to keep the bike in the lane, as the exercise required. My foot however had a different idea. But my foot didn’t have to stay in the lines.

After we all parked and got off of the bikes we discussed who had the most fuck-ups on the course. You never saw such a crunchy group of folks where it didn’t involve bad restaurant service. Then the instructors passed out the scoring sheets! One dude who I just knew did better than me exclaimed “One point! I just made it!”. That got me scared since the dude WITH prior experience JUST slid by. I got mine and looked at the paper (upside down) and saw a score. I said to myself “Okay, that was one drill worth of deductions, where is the final score?” Turns out that WAS the score! I got a damn 4 y’all!!!! The scoring was from lowest to highest. 12 being the highest score you could get without failing. Three points for the cone and one for starting off in the wrong damn gear. I ain’t sure but I think I got the best score in the group! The wife who just KNEW she made more errors than everyone else got a 9! And she didn’t even wanna ride until we got on the bikes the first day!

It was enough to make a muhfugga with no rhythm dance a damn jig! And I did! Twice! Just as we started to leave the course for the written test and the classroom, the rain started to come down. We got lucky! The second group lost three members because they dropped their bikes on the test. That is automatic failure. Not really fair but they said we ride rain or shine. I feel for them, but they get six more hours to practice on somebody else’s bike for free.

The knowledge (written) test was no big thing. Fifty questions. Multiple guess in stupid-kinda-correct format. So basically it was a common sense test that most people could pass without having read the book too hard. I got 50 outta 50 in spite of the distraction. The wife 49 outta 50. She had a momentary brain fart and for some reason picked the kinda answer. The distraction you ask? The table kept squeaking while we were coloring in our answers. So it sounded like me and the wife were hittin’ it in the back of the classroom. It took everything in me to keep from busting out in laughter in the (mostly) quiet room!

Hmmm… My cousin just got on with/started a chapter of the Rough Riders in the area. Hmmmmmmm….

Now to acquire a bike!!!

…On A New Biker’s Ass!

::: Book warning ahead! Beware! :::

Yes that is right people! I am now officially skilled enough to go and get my cycle endorsement!!!! Man that was one trying experience! I never thought something would be so stressful and so much fun at the same time! BUT I made it!

Yesterday’s blow by blow. I took it easy most of the day. The weather decided to make everyone sick to their stomachs. There were thunderstorms like we haven’t seen in a year or two. Got so dark I had to turn lights on at 2 p.m. to see indoors. And it rained. And my wife called me in full stress mode.
Her: “If it is raining like this later they can just give me an “F” and hand me my waiver for the next class. I’m not riding in THAT!”
Me: “Woman CALM DOWN! We don’t ride for three hours! This type of rain don’t ever last for long! Besides we can ride REALLY slow in necessary!”
Her: “No Way! I ain’t doing it!”
Me: “Three hours. You studied yet?”
Her: “Not really”
Me: “No matter. It will take about 15 minutes. And you know this stuff already anyway. Just relax. Besides if we screw it up, we get six more hours or riding time on somebody else’s bike for free”
Her: “Yeah… I guess you are right”

Of course she called again when it stopped and started back up. And she called me to let me know there was a practice test online. Of course I was getting ready to leave at the time. But I did it anyway, breezed through the 48 questions in five minutes. I bounced!

Come test time, not only had the rain stopped but most of the course was dry by the time we arrived. We all felt good about that! The wife had trouble finding a good bike and ended up on the one she started the class riding. Her archenemy! I selected a model with a front brake so tight that I could have stopped a semi truck with it. Needless to say the test was gonna be “fun”.

First test: The cone weave and U-turn. Not the good wide spaced one where you have some speed and is actually fun. But the close spaces one where you gotta go slow as hell. I ran over cone 4. Three point deduction. U-turn started good. Ground seemed to get close. Accelerate. Break. LINE! Whew! Dammit!!! Well I stayed in the box on the U-turn anyway.

Second test: Stop in a box. This test was really no problem for me. At least not for my skills. My bike however had a different idea on the matter. Remember the brake on this thing could stop a semi. So stopping the five or six hundred odd pounds of me and bike posed almost no problem. So I get the bike going. Estimate the proper distance to begin my stop. I apply the brakes. The front of the bike dived down like a mole digging a hole. So I let off and applied it again. Same thing. On the third application I got both brakes in on the act and stopped the damn bike dead in the middle of the box. Whew! But my stop must have looked like I was “hittin’ switches” on the bike because I was starting to think the damn thing had hydraulics!

Third test: Shifting. Basically. Start. Shift to second. Shift back to first before cones. Make a tight 90 degree turn. My version as Start. Shift to second. Shift to second again. Shift to first RIGHT AWAY. Make a SWEET left turn!

Fourth test: Curve. Basically a left curve at a decent speed in a five foot wide lane. I started to go. My bike cut off. My instructor yelled “start it in first! You are in second gear.” How embarrassing! I guess I didn’t shift back to first from the last drill! Fortunately they didn’t notice that part! Anyway, now I am pissed. I started half way through the approach area. With my “fuck it” attitude fully in place, I gunned the throttle and leaned too much. Just barely stayed in the lane. I touched the inside line just a bit. Not enough to lose points though…

By this time I am pissed.

Fifth test: Hard breaking in a straight line. This one was not problem for me. I got used to the hyper front brake and would take advantage of it’s overzealous desire to do it’s job. Start. Get to a decent speed. Wait for hand signal. Stop! In even less time than I imagined it would! I didn’t hate the bike on that one!

Sixth test: Normal breaking in a curve. This test was the same as above but there was a curve involved and a five foot lane. So. Start. Get to a decent speed. Lean into the curve. Hand signal. Brake! Managed to keep the bike in the lane, as the exercise required. My foot however had a different idea. But my foot didn’t have to stay in the lines.

After we all parked and got off of the bikes we discussed who had the most fuck-ups on the course. You never saw such a crunchy group of folks where it didn’t involve bad restaurant service. Then the instructors passed out the scoring sheets! One dude who I just knew did better than me exclaimed “One point! I just made it!”. That got me scared since the dude WITH prior experience JUST slid by. I got mine and looked at the paper (upside down) and saw a score. I said to myself “Okay, that was one drill worth of deductions, where is the final score?” Turns out that WAS the score! I got a damn 4 y’all!!!! The scoring was from lowest to highest. 12 being the highest score you could get without failing. Three points for the cone and one for starting off in the wrong damn gear. I ain’t sure but I think I got the best score in the group! The wife who just KNEW she made more errors than everyone else got a 9! And she didn’t even wanna ride until we got on the bikes the first day!

It was enough to make a muhfugga with no rhythm dance a damn jig! And I did! Twice! Just as we started to leave the course for the written test and the classroom, the rain started to come down. We got lucky! The second group lost three members because they dropped their bikes on the test. That is automatic failure. Not really fair but they said we ride rain or shine. I feel for them, but they get six more hours to practice on somebody else’s bike for free.

The knowledge (written) test was no big thing. Fifty questions. Multiple guess in stupid-kinda-correct format. So basically it was a common sense test that most people could pass without having read the book too hard. I got 50 outta 50 in spite of the distraction. The wife 49 outta 50. She had a momentary brain fart and for some reason picked the kinda answer. The distraction you ask? The table kept squeaking while we were coloring in our answers. So it sounded like me and the wife were hittin’ it in the back of the classroom. It took everything in me to keep from busting out in laughter in the (mostly) quiet room!

Hmmm… My cousin just got on with/started a chapter of the Rough Riders in the area. Hmmmmmmm….

Now to acquire a bike!!!

…On A New Biker’s Ass!

::: Book warning ahead! Beware! :::

Yes that is right people! I am now officially skilled enough to go and get my cycle endorsement!!!! Man that was one trying experience! I never thought something would be so stressful and so much fun at the same time! BUT I made it!

Yesterday’s blow by blow. I took it easy most of the day. The weather decided to make everyone sick to their stomachs. There were thunderstorms like we haven’t seen in a year or two. Got so dark I had to turn lights on at 2 p.m. to see indoors. And it rained. And my wife called me in full stress mode.
Her: “If it is raining like this later they can just give me an “F” and hand me my waiver for the next class. I’m not riding in THAT!”
Me: “Woman CALM DOWN! We don’t ride for three hours! This type of rain don’t ever last for long! Besides we can ride REALLY slow in necessary!”
Her: “No Way! I ain’t doing it!”
Me: “Three hours. You studied yet?”
Her: “Not really”
Me: “No matter. It will take about 15 minutes. And you know this stuff already anyway. Just relax. Besides if we screw it up, we get six more hours or riding time on somebody else’s bike for free”
Her: “Yeah… I guess you are right”

Of course she called again when it stopped and started back up. And she called me to let me know there was a practice test online. Of course I was getting ready to leave at the time. But I did it anyway, breezed through the 48 questions in five minutes. I bounced!

Come test time, not only had the rain stopped but most of the course was dry by the time we arrived. We all felt good about that! The wife had trouble finding a good bike and ended up on the one she started the class riding. Her archenemy! I selected a model with a front brake so tight that I could have stopped a semi truck with it. Needless to say the test was gonna be “fun”.

First test: The cone weave and U-turn. Not the good wide spaced one where you have some speed and is actually fun. But the close spaces one where you gotta go slow as hell. I ran over cone 4. Three point deduction. U-turn started good. Ground seemed to get close. Accelerate. Break. LINE! Whew! Dammit!!! Well I stayed in the box on the U-turn anyway.

Second test: Stop in a box. This test was really no problem for me. At least not for my skills. My bike however had a different idea on the matter. Remember the brake on this thing could stop a semi. So stopping the five or six hundred odd pounds of me and bike posed almost no problem. So I get the bike going. Estimate the proper distance to begin my stop. I apply the brakes. The front of the bike dived down like a mole digging a hole. So I let off and applied it again. Same thing. On the third application I got both brakes in on the act and stopped the damn bike dead in the middle of the box. Whew! But my stop must have looked like I was “hittin’ switches” on the bike because I was starting to think the damn thing had hydraulics!

Third test: Shifting. Basically. Start. Shift to second. Shift back to first before cones. Make a tight 90 degree turn. My version as Start. Shift to second. Shift to second again. Shift to first RIGHT AWAY. Make a SWEET left turn!

Fourth test: Curve. Basically a left curve at a decent speed in a five foot wide lane. I started to go. My bike cut off. My instructor yelled “start it in first! You are in second gear.” How embarrassing! I guess I didn’t shift back to first from the last drill! Fortunately they didn’t notice that part! Anyway, now I am pissed. I started half way through the approach area. With my “fuck it” attitude fully in place, I gunned the throttle and leaned too much. Just barely stayed in the lane. I touched the inside line just a bit. Not enough to lose points though…

By this time I am pissed.

Fifth test: Hard breaking in a straight line. This one was not problem for me. I got used to the hyper front brake and would take advantage of it’s overzealous desire to do it’s job. Start. Get to a decent speed. Wait for hand signal. Stop! In even less time than I imagined it would! I didn’t hate the bike on that one!

Sixth test: Normal breaking in a curve. This test was the same as above but there was a curve involved and a five foot lane. So. Start. Get to a decent speed. Lean into the curve. Hand signal. Brake! Managed to keep the bike in the lane, as the exercise required. My foot however had a different idea. But my foot didn’t have to stay in the lines.

After we all parked and got off of the bikes we discussed who had the most fuck-ups on the course. You never saw such a crunchy group of folks where it didn’t involve bad restaurant service. Then the instructors passed out the scoring sheets! One dude who I just knew did better than me exclaimed “One point! I just made it!”. That got me scared since the dude WITH prior experience JUST slid by. I got mine and looked at the paper (upside down) and saw a score. I said to myself “Okay, that was one drill worth of deductions, where is the final score?” Turns out that WAS the score! I got a damn 4 y’all!!!! The scoring was from lowest to highest. 12 being the highest score you could get without failing. Three points for the cone and one for starting off in the wrong damn gear. I ain’t sure but I think I got the best score in the group! The wife who just KNEW she made more errors than everyone else got a 9! And she didn’t even wanna ride until we got on the bikes the first day!

It was enough to make a muhfugga with no rhythm dance a damn jig! And I did! Twice! Just as we started to leave the course for the written test and the classroom, the rain started to come down. We got lucky! The second group lost three members because they dropped their bikes on the test. That is automatic failure. Not really fair but they said we ride rain or shine. I feel for them, but they get six more hours to practice on somebody else’s bike for free.

The knowledge (written) test was no big thing. Fifty questions. Multiple guess in stupid-kinda-correct format. So basically it was a common sense test that most people could pass without having read the book too hard. I got 50 outta 50 in spite of the distraction. The wife 49 outta 50. She had a momentary brain fart and for some reason picked the kinda answer. The distraction you ask? The table kept squeaking while we were coloring in our answers. So it sounded like me and the wife were hittin’ it in the back of the classroom. It took everything in me to keep from busting out in laughter in the (mostly) quiet room!

Hmmm… My cousin just got on with/started a chapter of the Rough Riders in the area. Hmmmmmmm….

Now to acquire a bike!!!

…On A New Biker’s Ass!

::: Book warning ahead! Beware! :::

Yes that is right people! I am now officially skilled enough to go and get my cycle endorsement!!!! Man that was one trying experience! I never thought something would be so stressful and so much fun at the same time! BUT I made it!

Yesterday’s blow by blow. I took it easy most of the day. The weather decided to make everyone sick to their stomachs. There were thunderstorms like we haven’t seen in a year or two. Got so dark I had to turn lights on at 2 p.m. to see indoors. And it rained. And my wife called me in full stress mode.
Her: “If it is raining like this later they can just give me an “F” and hand me my waiver for the next class. I’m not riding in THAT!”
Me: “Woman CALM DOWN! We don’t ride for three hours! This type of rain don’t ever last for long! Besides we can ride REALLY slow in necessary!”
Her: “No Way! I ain’t doing it!”
Me: “Three hours. You studied yet?”
Her: “Not really”
Me: “No matter. It will take about 15 minutes. And you know this stuff already anyway. Just relax. Besides if we screw it up, we get six more hours or riding time on somebody else’s bike for free”
Her: “Yeah… I guess you are right”

Of course she called again when it stopped and started back up. And she called me to let me know there was a practice test online. Of course I was getting ready to leave at the time. But I did it anyway, breezed through the 48 questions in five minutes. I bounced!

Come test time, not only had the rain stopped but most of the course was dry by the time we arrived. We all felt good about that! The wife had trouble finding a good bike and ended up on the one she started the class riding. Her archenemy! I selected a model with a front brake so tight that I could have stopped a semi truck with it. Needless to say the test was gonna be “fun”.

First test: The cone weave and U-turn. Not the good wide spaced one where you have some speed and is actually fun. But the close spaces one where you gotta go slow as hell. I ran over cone 4. Three point deduction. U-turn started good. Ground seemed to get close. Accelerate. Break. LINE! Whew! Dammit!!! Well I stayed in the box on the U-turn anyway.

Second test: Stop in a box. This test was really no problem for me. At least not for my skills. My bike however had a different idea on the matter. Remember the brake on this thing could stop a semi. So stopping the five or six hundred odd pounds of me and bike posed almost no problem. So I get the bike going. Estimate the proper distance to begin my stop. I apply the brakes. The front of the bike dived down like a mole digging a hole. So I let off and applied it again. Same thing. On the third application I got both brakes in on the act and stopped the damn bike dead in the middle of the box. Whew! But my stop must have looked like I was “hittin’ switches” on the bike because I was starting to think the damn thing had hydraulics!

Third test: Shifting. Basically. Start. Shift to second. Shift back to first before cones. Make a tight 90 degree turn. My version as Start. Shift to second. Shift to second again. Shift to first RIGHT AWAY. Make a SWEET left turn!

Fourth test: Curve. Basically a left curve at a decent speed in a five foot wide lane. I started to go. My bike cut off. My instructor yelled “start it in first! You are in second gear.” How embarrassing! I guess I didn’t shift back to first from the last drill! Fortunately they didn’t notice that part! Anyway, now I am pissed. I started half way through the approach area. With my “fuck it” attitude fully in place, I gunned the throttle and leaned too much. Just barely stayed in the lane. I touched the inside line just a bit. Not enough to lose points though…

By this time I am pissed.

Fifth test: Hard breaking in a straight line. This one was not problem for me. I got used to the hyper front brake and would take advantage of it’s overzealous desire to do it’s job. Start. Get to a decent speed. Wait for hand signal. Stop! In even less time than I imagined it would! I didn’t hate the bike on that one!

Sixth test: Normal breaking in a curve. This test was the same as above but there was a curve involved and a five foot lane. So. Start. Get to a decent speed. Lean into the curve. Hand signal. Brake! Managed to keep the bike in the lane, as the exercise required. My foot however had a different idea. But my foot didn’t have to stay in the lines.

After we all parked and got off of the bikes we discussed who had the most fuck-ups on the course. You never saw such a crunchy group of folks where it didn’t involve bad restaurant service. Then the instructors passed out the scoring sheets! One dude who I just knew did better than me exclaimed “One point! I just made it!”. That got me scared since the dude WITH prior experience JUST slid by. I got mine and looked at the paper (upside down) and saw a score. I said to myself “Okay, that was one drill worth of deductions, where is the final score?” Turns out that WAS the score! I got a damn 4 y’all!!!! The scoring was from lowest to highest. 12 being the highest score you could get without failing. Three points for the cone and one for starting off in the wrong damn gear. I ain’t sure but I think I got the best score in the group! The wife who just KNEW she made more errors than everyone else got a 9! And she didn’t even wanna ride until we got on the bikes the first day!

It was enough to make a muhfugga with no rhythm dance a damn jig! And I did! Twice! Just as we started to leave the course for the written test and the classroom, the rain started to come down. We got lucky! The second group lost three members because they dropped their bikes on the test. That is automatic failure. Not really fair but they said we ride rain or shine. I feel for them, but they get six more hours to practice on somebody else’s bike for free.

The knowledge (written) test was no big thing. Fifty questions. Multiple guess in stupid-kinda-correct format. So basically it was a common sense test that most people could pass without having read the book too hard. I got 50 outta 50 in spite of the distraction. The wife 49 outta 50. She had a momentary brain fart and for some reason picked the kinda answer. The distraction you ask? The table kept squeaking while we were coloring in our answers. So it sounded like me and the wife were hittin’ it in the back of the classroom. It took everything in me to keep from busting out in laughter in the (mostly) quiet room!

Hmmm… My cousin just got on with/started a chapter of the Rough Riders in the area. Hmmmmmmm….

Now to acquire a bike!!!

…On A New Biker’s Ass!

::: Book warning ahead! Beware! :::

Yes that is right people! I am now officially skilled enough to go and get my cycle endorsement!!!! Man that was one trying experience! I never thought something would be so stressful and so much fun at the same time! BUT I made it!

Yesterday’s blow by blow. I took it easy most of the day. The weather decided to make everyone sick to their stomachs. There were thunderstorms like we haven’t seen in a year or two. Got so dark I had to turn lights on at 2 p.m. to see indoors. And it rained. And my wife called me in full stress mode.
Her: “If it is raining like this later they can just give me an “F” and hand me my waiver for the next class. I’m not riding in THAT!”
Me: “Woman CALM DOWN! We don’t ride for three hours! This type of rain don’t ever last for long! Besides we can ride REALLY slow in necessary!”
Her: “No Way! I ain’t doing it!”
Me: “Three hours. You studied yet?”
Her: “Not really”
Me: “No matter. It will take about 15 minutes. And you know this stuff already anyway. Just relax. Besides if we screw it up, we get six more hours or riding time on somebody else’s bike for free”
Her: “Yeah… I guess you are right”

Of course she called again when it stopped and started back up. And she called me to let me know there was a practice test online. Of course I was getting ready to leave at the time. But I did it anyway, breezed through the 48 questions in five minutes. I bounced!

Come test time, not only had the rain stopped but most of the course was dry by the time we arrived. We all felt good about that! The wife had trouble finding a good bike and ended up on the one she started the class riding. Her archenemy! I selected a model with a front brake so tight that I could have stopped a semi truck with it. Needless to say the test was gonna be “fun”.

First test: The cone weave and U-turn. Not the good wide spaced one where you have some speed and is actually fun. But the close spaces one where you gotta go slow as hell. I ran over cone 4. Three point deduction. U-turn started good. Ground seemed to get close. Accelerate. Break. LINE! Whew! Dammit!!! Well I stayed in the box on the U-turn anyway.

Second test: Stop in a box. This test was really no problem for me. At least not for my skills. My bike however had a different idea on the matter. Remember the brake on this thing could stop a semi. So stopping the five or six hundred odd pounds of me and bike posed almost no problem. So I get the bike going. Estimate the proper distance to begin my stop. I apply the brakes. The front of the bike dived down like a mole digging a hole. So I let off and applied it again. Same thing. On the third application I got both brakes in on the act and stopped the damn bike dead in the middle of the box. Whew! But my stop must have looked like I was “hittin’ switches” on the bike because I was starting to think the damn thing had hydraulics!

Third test: Shifting. Basically. Start. Shift to second. Shift back to first before cones. Make a tight 90 degree turn. My version as Start. Shift to second. Shift to second again. Shift to first RIGHT AWAY. Make a SWEET left turn!

Fourth test: Curve. Basically a left curve at a decent speed in a five foot wide lane. I started to go. My bike cut off. My instructor yelled “start it in first! You are in second gear.” How embarrassing! I guess I didn’t shift back to first from the last drill! Fortunately they didn’t notice that part! Anyway, now I am pissed. I started half way through the approach area. With my “fuck it” attitude fully in place, I gunned the throttle and leaned too much. Just barely stayed in the lane. I touched the inside line just a bit. Not enough to lose points though…

By this time I am pissed.

Fifth test: Hard breaking in a straight line. This one was not problem for me. I got used to the hyper front brake and would take advantage of it’s overzealous desire to do it’s job. Start. Get to a decent speed. Wait for hand signal. Stop! In even less time than I imagined it would! I didn’t hate the bike on that one!

Sixth test: Normal breaking in a curve. This test was the same as above but there was a curve involved and a five foot lane. So. Start. Get to a decent speed. Lean into the curve. Hand signal. Brake! Managed to keep the bike in the lane, as the exercise required. My foot however had a different idea. But my foot didn’t have to stay in the lines.

After we all parked and got off of the bikes we discussed who had the most fuck-ups on the course. You never saw such a crunchy group of folks where it didn’t involve bad restaurant service. Then the instructors passed out the scoring sheets! One dude who I just knew did better than me exclaimed “One point! I just made it!”. That got me scared since the dude WITH prior experience JUST slid by. I got mine and looked at the paper (upside down) and saw a score. I said to myself “Okay, that was one drill worth of deductions, where is the final score?” Turns out that WAS the score! I got a damn 4 y’all!!!! The scoring was from lowest to highest. 12 being the highest score you could get without failing. Three points for the cone and one for starting off in the wrong damn gear. I ain’t sure but I think I got the best score in the group! The wife who just KNEW she made more errors than everyone else got a 9! And she didn’t even wanna ride until we got on the bikes the first day!

It was enough to make a muhfugga with no rhythm dance a damn jig! And I did! Twice! Just as we started to leave the course for the written test and the classroom, the rain started to come down. We got lucky! The second group lost three members because they dropped their bikes on the test. That is automatic failure. Not really fair but they said we ride rain or shine. I feel for them, but they get six more hours to practice on somebody else’s bike for free.

The knowledge (written) test was no big thing. Fifty questions. Multiple guess in stupid-kinda-correct format. So basically it was a common sense test that most people could pass without having read the book too hard. I got 50 outta 50 in spite of the distraction. The wife 49 outta 50. She had a momentary brain fart and for some reason picked the kinda answer. The distraction you ask? The table kept squeaking while we were coloring in our answers. So it sounded like me and the wife were hittin’ it in the back of the classroom. It took everything in me to keep from busting out in laughter in the (mostly) quiet room!

Hmmm… My cousin just got on with/started a chapter of the Rough Riders in the area. Hmmmmmmm….

Now to acquire a bike!!!

…On A New Biker’s Ass!

::: Book warning ahead! Beware! :::

Yes that is right people! I am now officially skilled enough to go and get my cycle endorsement!!!! Man that was one trying experience! I never thought something would be so stressful and so much fun at the same time! BUT I made it!

Yesterday’s blow by blow. I took it easy most of the day. The weather decided to make everyone sick to their stomachs. There were thunderstorms like we haven’t seen in a year or two. Got so dark I had to turn lights on at 2 p.m. to see indoors. And it rained. And my wife called me in full stress mode.
Her: “If it is raining like this later they can just give me an “F” and hand me my waiver for the next class. I’m not riding in THAT!”
Me: “Woman CALM DOWN! We don’t ride for three hours! This type of rain don’t ever last for long! Besides we can ride REALLY slow in necessary!”
Her: “No Way! I ain’t doing it!”
Me: “Three hours. You studied yet?”
Her: “Not really”
Me: “No matter. It will take about 15 minutes. And you know this stuff already anyway. Just relax. Besides if we screw it up, we get six more hours or riding time on somebody else’s bike for free”
Her: “Yeah… I guess you are right”

Of course she called again when it stopped and started back up. And she called me to let me know there was a practice test online. Of course I was getting ready to leave at the time. But I did it anyway, breezed through the 48 questions in five minutes. I bounced!

Come test time, not only had the rain stopped but most of the course was dry by the time we arrived. We all felt good about that! The wife had trouble finding a good bike and ended up on the one she started the class riding. Her archenemy! I selected a model with a front brake so tight that I could have stopped a semi truck with it. Needless to say the test was gonna be “fun”.

First test: The cone weave and U-turn. Not the good wide spaced one where you have some speed and is actually fun. But the close spaces one where you gotta go slow as hell. I ran over cone 4. Three point deduction. U-turn started good. Ground seemed to get close. Accelerate. Break. LINE! Whew! Dammit!!! Well I stayed in the box on the U-turn anyway.

Second test: Stop in a box. This test was really no problem for me. At least not for my skills. My bike however had a different idea on the matter. Remember the brake on this thing could stop a semi. So stopping the five or six hundred odd pounds of me and bike posed almost no problem. So I get the bike going. Estimate the proper distance to begin my stop. I apply the brakes. The front of the bike dived down like a mole digging a hole. So I let off and applied it again. Same thing. On the third application I got both brakes in on the act and stopped the damn bike dead in the middle of the box. Whew! But my stop must have looked like I was “hittin’ switches” on the bike because I was starting to think the damn thing had hydraulics!

Third test: Shifting. Basically. Start. Shift to second. Shift back to first before cones. Make a tight 90 degree turn. My version as Start. Shift to second. Shift to second again. Shift to first RIGHT AWAY. Make a SWEET left turn!

Fourth test: Curve. Basically a left curve at a decent speed in a five foot wide lane. I started to go. My bike cut off. My instructor yelled “start it in first! You are in second gear.” How embarrassing! I guess I didn’t shift back to first from the last drill! Fortunately they didn’t notice that part! Anyway, now I am pissed. I started half way through the approach area. With my “fuck it” attitude fully in place, I gunned the throttle and leaned too much. Just barely stayed in the lane. I touched the inside line just a bit. Not enough to lose points though…

By this time I am pissed.

Fifth test: Hard breaking in a straight line. This one was not problem for me. I got used to the hyper front brake and would take advantage of it’s overzealous desire to do it’s job. Start. Get to a decent speed. Wait for hand signal. Stop! In even less time than I imagined it would! I didn’t hate the bike on that one!

Sixth test: Normal breaking in a curve. This test was the same as above but there was a curve involved and a five foot lane. So. Start. Get to a decent speed. Lean into the curve. Hand signal. Brake! Managed to keep the bike in the lane, as the exercise required. My foot however had a different idea. But my foot didn’t have to stay in the lines.

After we all parked and got off of the bikes we discussed who had the most fuck-ups on the course. You never saw such a crunchy group of folks where it didn’t involve bad restaurant service. Then the instructors passed out the scoring sheets! One dude who I just knew did better than me exclaimed “One point! I just made it!”. That got me scared since the dude WITH prior experience JUST slid by. I got mine and looked at the paper (upside down) and saw a score. I said to myself “Okay, that was one drill worth of deductions, where is the final score?” Turns out that WAS the score! I got a damn 4 y’all!!!! The scoring was from lowest to highest. 12 being the highest score you could get without failing. Three points for the cone and one for starting off in the wrong damn gear. I ain’t sure but I think I got the best score in the group! The wife who just KNEW she made more errors than everyone else got a 9! And she didn’t even wanna ride until we got on the bikes the first day!

It was enough to make a muhfugga with no rhythm dance a damn jig! And I did! Twice! Just as we started to leave the course for the written test and the classroom, the rain started to come down. We got lucky! The second group lost three members because they dropped their bikes on the test. That is automatic failure. Not really fair but they said we ride rain or shine. I feel for them, but they get six more hours to practice on somebody else’s bike for free.

The knowledge (written) test was no big thing. Fifty questions. Multiple guess in stupid-kinda-correct format. So basically it was a common sense test that most people could pass without having read the book too hard. I got 50 outta 50 in spite of the distraction. The wife 49 outta 50. She had a momentary brain fart and for some reason picked the kinda answer. The distraction you ask? The table kept squeaking while we were coloring in our answers. So it sounded like me and the wife were hittin’ it in the back of the classroom. It took everything in me to keep from busting out in laughter in the (mostly) quiet room!

Hmmm… My cousin just got on with/started a chapter of the Rough Riders in the area. Hmmmmmmm….

Now to acquire a bike!!!

Sometimes The Sun Shines…

Yesterday was the first test to determine whether I should really consider my bike obsession. The first of the two riding tests were yesterday. On a blazing hot 92 degree day. I was a little unsure of how I would do because I was getting most frustrated on some of the exercises the last two days. My wife and sis-in-law were feeling much the same way. Our three attitudes were different yesterday. Me: I am gonna pass this damn class dammit!!!! Wifey: I am proud I got it going and didn’t drop the thing! SIL: I ain’t never been this frustrated with ANYTHING ever! Of course I was feeling much like she did but I didn’t want to hear myself SAY such things. Didn’t want to talk myself into failure. I had been telling them both, and me too, not to worry because sometimes it clicks late and you may have a good day come test time.

Sooooo… An hour of practice on new and old stuff. Then BAM! They spring the test on us. U-turn-in-a-box. Actually TWO U-turns in a box. Only did this right in practice once! Test time I strayed across the line on the second turn a WEEEEE little bit. Second Part. Obstacle avoidance. Didn’t have any trouble with this one after the instructor told me to slow down! Test time, nailed it! Third part, Hard braking. Had been stopping too long in practice. Test time, you would think I hit a wall as fast as that damn thing stopped. Fourth part. Cornering. This required a shift, 90 degree turn, acceleration, breaking and a 135 degree turn. A lot of stuff went into this one. This had me frustrated during practice about as much as them damn U-turns! I almost thought they were gonna throw me outta class during drills for this one. Test time, was the ONLY time I did the breaking portion correctly. Almost fucked the turn up thinking. So I told myself “Fuck it! Ride the damn bike already!!!!”

The test was scored from zero to a bunch. Zero was a perfect score, 15 being the highest passing score. My score, a three. Damn U-turn!!! One violation on the whole course! I almost think I can ride now! The wife passed on one violation too, although costlier. The SIL let frustration get the best of her. I know she got the skills. Missed passing by three. But hey, she can take that part of the class over for free. Six more hours of range time and retest and she is good. Not a bad deal!

Today the OTHER riding test and the written test. Wish me luck y’all!

side note: Glad I didn’t take the Harley-Davidson class. They use the EXACT same instruction book and charge $300 more! I would have been one MAD brotha!