A Dyssturbed Dream, Pt. 1

A bicycle helmet, tighty whities and a dog.
It’s all I got. I don’t know why.
Nor do I know why I am laying under this marquee.
Or why I am literally laying in the gutter.
And it is a wet gutter.
Must have been one interesting night up until now.
I can’t remember why though.
I get up and try to get my bearings.
I can’t.
I try to figure out where I am.
I don’t.
I guess where home is and start walking.
I hear the dog woof softly.
I stop and turn.
He takes a couple of steps in the OPPOSITE direction and stops.
I follow.
At least one of us knows where the hell we are going.

At the corner of the next block, I see a sight.
I see the most beautiful caramel thighs.
And is that a thong she is wearing?
I walk, and stare.
I stare and walk.
I know I must have been staring hard.
Because I didn’t realize I had a “reaction” to those thighs.
AND I was forcibly snapped back to reality.
By a playful and feminine voice saying “Is all that for me?”
I am stopped dead in my tracks.
I finally manage to return from fantasy land and look up.
And notice her looking at the same approximate latitude that I was.
Then she looks up too.
Damn! Eye contact! Now I gotta say something back!
“Um… Hey!” is all my brain can manage.
“Can’t say I have seen that particular outfit outdoors before.” she quipped.
I look down and notice there is a white cone of fabric between my eyes and where my shoes should be.
“You pitch a nice tent! I will just keep wondering about the helmet.”
Great! I run across the one hooker with a smart ass mouth!
“Well you keep wondering about the helmet. I am still trying to figure out which of us is wearing the most fabric” I say as I give her a good looking over.
She chuckles lightly and says “Touche’! But you still didn’t answer my question.”
“Question?” I ask.
“Yeah, I asked if all that was for me” she said while checking my cone.
I completely forgot about that question.
Me being me, I had to ask “Is it free?”
She gives me one of those appraising looks as if she is considering it.
“Not tonight” was her decision of course.
“Just as well, my money is in my wallet in my pants. Wherever the hell THEY are…”
Might not have been much of a comeback, but I didn’t know where any of that shit was.
“Well, maybe next time when you have pants with a wallet in them with money in it”
No she didn’t!
“Or I can catch you on stage. At the strip club or at the Improv”
Hey! I had to say something! How the hell did I manage to find Jokey Smurf Hooker anyway?
“Ha Ha Mr. Tent Man. And I’m supposed to be the funny one? You have a good night because meeting you in that outfit sure made mine!”
“Well you have a good night too. You almost made my night too! Almost…”
You know as I walked away, I could have sworn that the dog was looking at me funny and shaking his damn head at me!

Part 2 to come…maybe…

To Mah Boo

I have heard this song on the radio in the background the last couple of weeks. It seemed like a pretty cool song. I finally stopped to listen to it. I like this one. So much so I am dedicating this one to my Boobie! I might even buy some Usher now… This by no means says in any way that I am not still old school! I know you were thinking it Bootydo!

Without further ado. Usher singing Here I Stand.

p.s. To any of the Haremites and other lady visitors who are feeling underloved today, this is to you too.

The Mickey Frickin’ Report.

Here is the situation so far:

• I been a little absent. You aren’t allowed to take me to task for it either. Get over it.
• I have been thinking about all of you. Just ain’t been able to visit much. Get over that too.
• Good news:
• The fall mission has been accomplished (to this point) with a high amount of success. I have one examination to go and I don’t see that one being a problem since the questions for this one will probably be drawn from the previous three. Term GPA prediction 3.6 – 4.0.
• My family may soon be reintegrated into one single unit. Currently the five members are dispersed among two locations.
• The wife acquired herself some transportation.
• Crip Mommie’s casts are a thing of the past. She is in physical therapy and almost done using her support boot.
• Bad news:
• My MIL decided not to renew her lease for her current apartment. She announced this to The Wife around Thanksgiving. The lease is up at the end of the year. So that means housing is needed rather fast. Hence the reason for the reintegration of the household.
• The Wife’s recently acquired car is not as wonderful as it seemed. Needs work!
• Mom has been dependent on my sister for her day to day care since I went to take care of Wifey. She is not the happiest about that. But she understands that it is necessary for our futures.
• We got turned down for an apartment that we really, really, really, really, really wanted over an old damn bill. That was some bullshit! But maybe the alternate solutions may be better since they could include the dog too!
• Can you say Root Canal? I sure the hell can! Got tortured in that damn chair for a whole work shift! In at 9:00, out at 3:00! Thank god for Motrin, Tylenol (with codiene), and Keflex!!!
• Because of the uncertainty with the whole auto industry and that farce that is Congress, the wife has been given a termination date for her position. It’s even colder in the D than I realized…
• Water pills. Need I say more?
• I just got fucked royally by my advisor! My plan of work is FINALLY FUCKING FINISHED!!!! Of course there seem to be three ADDITIONAL classes that I need to take. Why did I get fucked royally do you ask? Well…
• I asked for it in August.
• Had I known about the three other classes, I would have taken 12 credits instead of the 9 that I took. Especially since the nine that I took were the only ones I COULD take because the rest were offered Winter 2009 term.
• Would not have lost out on 25% of my financial aid last term.
• The news would not have been such a shock early on.
• Finishing this term would have put me half way done with what is left instead of one third the way done with the remainder.
• I absoultely did not intend on taking FUCKING SPRING/SUMMER CLASSES!!!! Never did before! Why the hell start now.
• Not sure if my gubment handout covers a third term.
• I need to be able to relocate sooner than later since the job market in Michigan is on life support.
• Did I mention ANOTHER FUCKING TERM?
• And the capper to ALL of that is this… Registration for the next term started about six weeks ago. Wanna guess what the status is on all these damn classes I need to take right about now?
• IF I manage to take all that I can THIS semester, it would mean day classes, evening classes AND classes at a different campus! Man I swear!!!
• I may get convicted of committing murder on my advisor.

Aside from all that, things are going. Some days are better than others. The semester is winding down and I will have to get into moving mode very quickly. Ain’t promising presence. But I will have a little more time to devote to all of you. If I ain’t writing, I will at least be reading.

In case of another absence. Happy Holidays early in case I don’t get back until later. The situation is still fluid and dynamic so I will be back this way whenever.

And don’t tell Usama you saw me!
- TSSE

(somehow I think I left something out…)

Words From The Desert Man

What da fuck?

Da hell is going on up in here?

Look all unused and abused.

Where everybody at?

And what is that smell?

Smell like old cheese farts or something. with… i dunno… onions?

Ah! White Castle boxes!!! Which one of these rotten assed sumbitches farted before locking the door up in here!

Mail all piled up. Judging by the noms de blog, everybody been by. Some of these notes ain’t so nice…

Looka here, Diva (know she ’bout fit to be tied), Ms. B. (done went on vacation and come back and still nothing), I will be all day going through this.

I would apologize for the rest of these fools but there is just no apology big enough.

I don’t know what is up with these characters, ever since The Dark One talked Brainz into finishing school, things have been on a slide. Biker Dude done rode off to “bike ridin’ country”, wherever the hell that is. Hoeman been rather happy spoonin’ booty lately so he ain’t gonna be worth jack shit, or john shit either.

I bet it was that damn Sixty-Eight that left these damn White Castle boxes and the pungent ass White Castle fart that they tend to generate. Wonder how he sealed that shit in though? And why the spiders didn’t die? Look at all them damn cobwebs!

Well, fuck that! I ain’t cleaning up this joint!!! And I ain’t blogging in this shithole!!! Guess I am gonna have to go find these assholes and bitchslap one or three into this damn blogging chair so y’all won’t feel left out and such. And to clean up around here. I hear there is some news too.

Lemme get to gettin’! I got some dudes to find!

Later!

-Usama Bin Louie