My son. Okay he ain’t my genes so I won’t be TOO embarrassed.
Let me tell you what this… this… person did.
Usually we go out to eat in public and find ourselves somewhat embarrassed. I mean this cat looks like he hasn’t had food in ever. I mean messy face and hands. Ranch dressing on the cheeks, hands, sleeves, glasses… You get the drift. Bad enough to the point where my wife will say tight lipped “STOP IT! You act like you ain’t never had food before! That is really pissing me off!” Yeah. Tight lipped. Like you say it when you about to fuck somebody up and don’t want the whole world to know. I know y’all know it.
So we would tend to lighten the mood a bit by teasing him. “Boy, wait until you get a girlfriend! You probably gonna scare her off the first time y’all go to a restaurant!” And many more like it. He usually looked at us like he really could give a shit. Which of course didn’t stop the barbarian behavior.
Jump forward in time. SOMEBODY has a girlfriend. The families agree to meet up. They are from Saginaw and are a couple hours drive away. So when a doctor appointment brings mom to the area, it sets up an opportunity for teen time spent together. And since the family is with her, an opportunity for everybody to meet. So we agree to meet them at a restaurant near their hotel. They pick Ponderosa. I guess we all liked the meatballs and the wing dings.
The day arrives and he is in a funny mood. He goes between elated and irritating… okay irritable. He especially works a nerve when he acts like he don’t know the plan and gets more irritating when we don’t leave when he wants to go. Completely forgetting that his GF and her fam were out shopping and moved the time back two hours.
As the time went by and he started getting even more irritating, we started to threaten to kill him. Or at least leave his ass at home. In retrospect we wished he had stayed that way because you know how teen age boys get that touchy feely silly love struck puppy thing going? Yeah, that is what we had to deal with from the time he hit the restaurant parking lot until he went to sleep.
So we finally get in and the families meet. He is of course excited. Understandably so. She ain’t bad looking and is fairly well configured for a teenager. I guess there is something to be said for Internet Pimpin’! Basically everyone orders the buffet. We sit and jawjack for a few moments. Then me and The Wife get up and go to get our grub on. I guess the rest of them forgot it was a self serve thing… I come back to the table with my meat plate and my side plate (them damn salad plates were small!). Guess what the hell I see run up to the table? A salad!!! Who has it? Mr. Barbarian Man!!! I didn’t think that it was unusual considering we do salads all the time. But this sumbitch was acting all funny! He was cutting the damn salad with a knife like it had a damn porterhouse in the middle of it!!! I just looked at him. His mother asked if he was hungry. He said, “Yeah, I’m straight!” Of course that was my que to ask him where his FOOD was. Then his sister and cousin started in on him. We saw he was frontin’ his ass off. And we WERE gonna call him on it!!! It got so bad that even his lady love’s mother called him out. “We came all the way down here to have dinner with you and all you are gonna eat is a salad?” At which point even he had to laugh. But he stayed in character. Because he still ate that damn salad with that damn knife and fork. Except when his girlfriend went to the powder room. Then he availed himself of a few wing dings. Of course he put the bones on somebody else’s plate. When she got back, he was back to the knife, fork and salad.
At least until he got ratted out. Because cousin Dan said to The Wife “Hey cousin! You sure were hungry with all them chicken wings on your plate!” To which The Wife replied “Those aren’t mine. D ate those!” At which point everybody busted out laughing since he got informed on by his own mother. But he started acting somewhat normal after that. Somewhat.
